quotes from this week

 



Me: Lennon, I feel like you could live in an apartment on your own and you'd be just fine.

Larry: I want to move out, too.

----

Tod: (smelling my hair) Oh wow! Your hair smells sooooo good and clean!
Me: What does it usually smell like?
Tod: French fries.  Or peanuts. 
Me: Well I don't wash my hair all the time so I don't damage it.
Tod: After you're dead I'm going to have you scalped and wear your hair as a wig I love it that much.
Me: ???

------

Me: BOYS!  Everyone get DOWNSTAIRS!  This is SERIOUS!

Boys come downstairs

Me: Can someone PLEASE tell me why two of our bathrooms smell like URINE?!
Larry: What's urine?
Lennon: Larry, urine is pee. 
Me: I have scrubbed these bathrooms all week.  Pine-Soled the floors...scrubbed the toilets...and they reek.  I can't even breathe in there.  Why does it smell so bad?
Lennon: Hmmm...well, I have been peeing in the garbage can lately.
Me: You've what?!
Lennon: Yeah...sometimes Larry is already on the toilet and I have to go...so I've been peeing in the trash cans.

I check...both bathrooms have urine-soaked toilet paper in their trash cans.

Me: Lennon...why....WWWWHHHHYYYY would you pee in the trash can?
Lennon: You never told me not to.

Annnnnnnnd, scene.

tod gets frugal

Today as Tod left for work he grabbed the can opener.

Me: Hey wait!  You can't take my can opener.

Tod: Why?

Me: Ummmm because I use it.  All the time.

Tod: Well now I need it.  At work (grabbing cans of tuna from the pantry).

Me: You're going to eat tuna at work?

Tod: Yeah.  I figured instead of eating out for lunch, I could eat tuna.

Me: That's all you want to eat?

Tod: (Grabbing a banana) Sure...and I'll have some fruit with it.

Me: Okaaaaay...bring it back tonight.  We'll get you your own can opener for work.

Tonight Tod came home from work with the can opener and the pack of tuna cans.  Two missing.

Me: Sooooooo...you brought it all back?

Tod: Yeah...things didn't go very well at work with the tuna.

Me: Why's that.

Tod: Well, first of all, my office isn't that big so the smell just really takes over the place.  Plus I dropped the first can in the toilet so I was like 'Screw this' ya know...

Me: Why were you in the bathroom with a can of tuna?  Do I even want to know...

Tod: Well I figured I could isolate the smell best by opening my can in the bathroom over the toilet.  We don't have tons of cleaning supplies so I figured the tuna juice could just drip into the toilet then I could flush the juice and the smell down once it was open.  But I dropped it in the toilet.  Tuna juice, toilet water all over me.... Ohhhhhh I was so PISSSSSSSED!

Me: Tod --------------------------- Okay so did you go get lunch then?

Tod: No, I didn't want to waste my tuna so I drove to Smith's parking lot and pulled up next to a garbage can where I tried to open the second can...over the garbage can...but then I dropped this can too.

Me: PEEING IN MY PANTS You dropped the tuna can in a trash can?

Tod: Yeah but then I pulled it out and ate it. 

Me: So you ate out of a dumpster.

Tod: It wasn't a dumpster.  It was a garbage can.

Me: Ahhhh...

Tod: So I finally opened the can of tuna and was eating it in the parking lot in 110 degree heat and realized I didn't have any water....I don't know how often you eat tuna but it's like eating crackers with no water.  I had to choke down every single bite just to finish my lunch.  I was like...gagging...

who wants to hear a sad story

Last Thursday:

Tod: I want to take the boys to a Monster Truck show this weekend.

Me: Please do.

So Friday came and I spent the entire day telling the boys there was BIG SURPRISE that night.  That Dad was taking them somewhere REALLY COOL and they were going to FREAK OUT when they got there.  In fact, I even convinced them both to nap so they could stay out late with Dad and their big surprise.  They waited for him by the door.

The funny part of the story came as Tod loaded the boys in the car that night.  I was on the couch with my book...excited for an evening of solitude and quiet.

Tod: Honey are you sad you're not coming?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.  Goodbye.

About an hour later Tod sent me some pictures.  Look at them, having so much fun!  I loved seeing the boys in a huge stadium doing boy stuff.  They deserved a fun night with Dad after a long week home with a sick, huge mom.

However, when they returned around 10 that night, Lennon couldn't spew out the real story fast enough:

Lennon's version:

Mom, Dad totally messed up.  The show started at 5 and he thought it started at 7 so we got there and everyone was leaving so we saw the trucks but they weren't moving so then Dad made us leave and took us to see the Lorax.

Tod's version:

NO WHERE did I ever see 5 pm as the start time.  And when we got there at 7 there were fireworks going off so I thought the show was just beginning.  But people kept pouring out of the stadium and I thought huh that's weird.  And when we walked up to the usher no one tried to get tickets from us so I thought, Cool, free Monster Truck show!  Then there were plenty of empty seats on the 50 yard line and I thought, Sweet, this is going to be awesome!  But we sat there for awhile and people kept leaving and the trucks weren't moving so eventually I put two and two together...we missed the show but didn't miss the traffic trying to get home which was cool...

The saddest part was that night as I kissed Lennon goodnight.  I told him how lucky he was to go out with Dad and see a movie.  His response:

I just really, really wanted to see those trucks move.

Maybe next time buddy.  Maybe next time.

white trash wevers

This weekend was full of exciting events.  They began on Friday when a package arrived for Tod from my brother Tommy.  In it was this wolf shirt.  Tod was tickled pink and wore it alllllllllll weekend.  True love, those two.

 Sunday night we time traveled to the 80s and played a few games of UNO (Lennon's new favorite game thanks to Grandma Carol) and watched The Karate Kid.  The original.  Not the crappy one with Will Smith's bratty kid.  Another gift from Tommy.  He is good.

 Saturday I made Tod move furniture to get the baby room ready and he took the crib apart and repainted it in the front yard.  I'm sorry, SPRAY painted it in the front yard.  Shirtless.  With Larry prancing around pantless (see above).  Total, shameless trash.

Lennon's new pajamas also came in the mail.  All I'm going to say is he picked them out himself.

And then there was last night when I had a semi-emotional breakdown when I came across this picture on Tod's phone.  Me...just last August...in my normal, comfortable, painless body.  I forgot that body even existed.  Today at the gym I was lying on a bench and tried to roll up...only to come back down again.  Got up on try #2 but it wasn't pretty.  I feel like a normal person trapped in a beach ball body. 

And finally, I had a crap day on Friday so Tod sent me an email. He loves to fake-quote people.  The very end of the email reads, One of my favorite quotes by Mario Lopez that I always tell myself is, "The truth is the truth and the truth will set you free if it is the truth but if it is not the truth then you will not be free nor will you know what the truth is." 

So, so true.

lately

Over the weekend Tod took Lennon to the gym.  Later, Lennon informed us that some older boys were making fun of him because he thought 5+5=6.  Tod's advice:

Next time tell them, 'Go easy on me guys...I'm an American too.' 

 That'll shut them up.

Speaking of Tod, sitting in church he leaned over and told me my hair looked really pretty....................like a helmet......................a thin, thin helmet.

Today Lennon announced if the baby is a boy we should either name him Blizzard or Donny Gill.  If it's a girl...Taylor Swift.

Not relevant just wanted a record of this

 And today I spent 45 minutes scrubbing something in the boys' room.  If I  posted a picture of the mess there would be three people calling me tonight horrified.  Let's just say I was dry heaving and wishing I spun signs on street corners for a living.

Could not get this thing to rotate

But then I checked the mail and on the back of the BYU magazine we throw away every month were these guys.  I'd rather be me.

disturbed

A few disturbing items today:

Tod asked me to run a Craigslist ad for a new office leasing agent. The results were scary.  Does anyone here graduate from high school?

This particular applicant whose user name was pimpinthesehoez and email was hateonit8@something.com offered a puzzling objective:

Seeking to obtain a full time position result oriented individual dedicated to receiving



customer satisfaction as well as meeting or suppressing company expectations.
 
We weren't looking for anyone to receive customer satisfaction nor do we want anyone suppressing our expectations so I had to pass. Maybe next time, Pimpinthesehoez.  Maybe next time.
 
Next on my list -- my rear now sticks out as much as my belly.  Did this happen last time?  Don't answer that.

20 week belly

Also a couple weeks ago in the car, Michael Jackson's PYT came on the radio and I turned it up.  Tod immediately changed the station.  I was a little bugged but became fully irritated when his station surfing ended on Grease's "You're the One That I Want" instead. Just when I think I know someone...
 
Speaking of Michael Jackson, I've introduced Lennon to his music.  While listening to Billie Jean yesterday, Lennon asked me where he is now.
 
Me: Michael Jackson actually died.
Lennon: Did he get sick like Papa?
Me: No, he took too much medicine.
Lennon: Has he met Papa yet?
Me: haha I hope so that would be cool.
Lennon: Would he have liked me and Larry?
Me: [pause] [pause] [pause] Why are you asking me that?
Lennon: I just want to know...would he have liked little boys like us?
Me: You know what, they say he did, so.............yes.

don't worry about me

...these bruises on my knee are just from that time yesterday when I made the mistake of trying to race Tod up the stairs and when I was one step from beating him he grabbed my foot, pulled it back, and totally slammed his pregnant wife to the floor. 

But he won and you know what, that's what matters.

story time LIVE

Tod is putting the boys to bed telling them a story that I feel should be shared.  Or even published?

Once upon a time there were two little boys: Lennon and Larry.  They were brothers and did everything together.  One day they decided to start a small business -- a restaurant.  But they weren't sure what to serve at their restaurant.  So they traveled the world.  They tried food in Italy, China, India, Australia...they tasted every delicious food in this world.  When they got back they knew what they wanted to call their restaurant...LENNON AND LARRY'S TACO SHOP.  They decided Larry would be in charge of advertising so he wore a sign over his shoulders and drove traffic to their shop from the main road.  Lennon was such a people person he was in charge of customer service and would make tacos for anyone who came in (since that was the only item on their menu).  Business was pretty slow at first but once Larry got a few customers through the doors, word spread like wild fire!  Their tacos were the best!  Pretty soon their shop was busy all day every day and Lennon and Larry were rich.  They moved in together but had their own cars...Lennon had a Porsche and Larry had a Lamborghini. 

Future owners of LENNON AND LARRY'S TACO SHOP

The end.

eye update

Here's Tod three days post-head-butt-to-the-eye:

Notice the arm scratches and the semi-black eye on the left.

Oh and p.s. quick question...

Did anyone else have to tell their kids last night, "Sorry guys...Dad won't be able to take you to the movies because he's being arrested...real bummer, I know...."

No?  Just me?  Huh.

too tough to die

Tod is pretty tough.  Maybe what makes him tough is how he thinks he's tough.  I like to play a game with him called, "Who Would Win?" where I put him up against people we know in a street fight and he tells me who would win. 

Me: Who would win, you or Brent?
Tod: Oh...me for sure.
Me: Okay, you against Brent and Q at the same time.
Tod: Holly, please...

Then one time I made it a little more intense:

Me: Who would win, you or Oscar de la Hoya?
Tod: Hmmmmm...I could take him if I could just get him on the ground first.

Tod is so tough, he bought and framed this for our office:

Tod is so tough that when his wife dry cleaned ALL his dress pants at once then Sunday came and she hadn't picked them up yet, he was ready to face the congregation like this:

I made him change into khakis.

Tod is so tough that he comes home like this after his morning workout with high school wrestlers:

Pritttttttty, prittttttty, pritttttttty tough.

Road trip

1. We have been on the road for three hours
2. We've almost crashed one time per hour.
3. Mostly because Tod likes to stare at salt mines, rock formations and 15 passenger vans with 4-wheel drive (I'll get you one of THOSE, Holly!)
4. Tod likes to ask questions like, "Do you think it would be that hard to start your own town? I mean do we need to buy the land first or just get permission from the state?" etc...
5. Right now he is singing along to Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill...his choice... And yodeling along. He likes annoying music on long drives.
6. We've already eaten a canister of Pringles.

More from the road later...

And p.s. Thanks to our house sitters for keeping our house secure and plants alive.

p.p.s. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a high five...

why i'm tired today

Last night I started dozing off around 11:30 until Tod began this conversation:

Tod: Britney Spears' video, "Oops I Did It Again" is such a joke.

Me: What?

Tod: I saw it yesterday at the gym.  What was the big deal about her anyway?

Me: Well, people liked that red catsuit I guess.

Tod: She looked stupid in it.

Me: Maybe it was cooler in the 90s.  Goodnight.

[ 30 seconds of silence ]

Tod: Yeah, maybe it's because I'm older now but that video was so stupid. She was doing all these movements (simulating dance moves)... What are those lyrics even about?

Me: Well, she's saying "Oops I did it again" like "Shoot I just broke your heart again...sorry, I'm not that innocent." 

Tod: Huh.

[ maybe 10 seconds of silence? ]

Tod: She is so trashy now.  Not attractive at all.

Me: Sigggggghhhhhhh.

Tod: So washed up.  And who can take her seriously with a name like 'Britney....Spears'?  Just her name alone makes her lose all credibility.  Like Hi, My name is BRIIIITNEEEY SPEEEARS.  Ugh.

Me: Totally.

Tod: Look at Madonna.  That name worked in the 80s, 90s, and now.  And all her ages....her 20s, her 30s, her 50s!  Or Cher...look at that name...she should've gone for something like JLo did...BSpears?  Or what about B.S.!  Hahahahahahahaha can you imagine if she went with B.S.!

Me: Tod.

Tod: What.

Me: Stop talking.

Tod: Why?

normal is boring

  The best and worst thing about Tod is how not-normal he is.  It's why I love him and it's why sometimes I want to hurt him.

On our drive home from San Diego around hour five Larry lost it.  Screeeeeeeeaming. Tod took the opportunity to calm him down. With words.

 "Come on Larry (Larry still screaming)...push through the pain (screaming)...our family is only as strong as its weakest link (still screaming)...Wever's don't quit (now wailing)...." and so on.  Surprisingly, it didn't work.  Weird.

 One night in California we went for a run.  We finished on the beach where a couple was having an intense conversation on a bench. Tod decided to stand directly in front of them (blocking their view of the ocean) to stretch.  Oh and p.s. Tod shattered his pelvis in a car accident years ago so after his runs he does pelvic stretches.  Borderline pornographic pelvic stretches.  Maybe two feet in front of this couple.

Tod taught Lennon to yell, "UH OH, PO-PO!" whenever police cars drive by.  Last night he missed an exit on the freeway so he pulled over, threw the car into reverse, backed up.  Quite a rush, actually.

Tod is the king of understatements.  One time he described pioneers' hardships on the plains as a "real bummer."  Last night the news reported about a woman who was arrested for armed robbery, drug dealing, and slicing a security guard with a sharp object.  Tod's comment: 

"She is such a stinker!"

Then there was this morning when someone called Tod about a rental property.  In seconds I knew they only spoke Spanish because Tod started shouting into the phone about "casas" and "rento."  The best was when he decided it would be easiest to just give her his website.

"Type in R as in....Roberrrrrto....P as in.....Pablo.....M as in....Marrrrrrria....L as in Luis....and V as in Veeeeector."

And yes, he rolled those r's. 

Aqua Man

This is what Tod wore to the gym this morning (note the swim trunks).

I'm fairly confident he's not trying to impress the ladies.

Tod argued that these shorts are like a Swiss Army knife...multiple purposes.

Locked out

Tod and Len Halloween 2010...nothing to do with the post

Tod has locked himself out of his car five times since Halloween.  He has a knack for doing it when one or both boys are asleep.

First time:

Tod: Hey Hol...can you bring me a key, I locked myself out of my car?
Me: Hahahaha okaaaaaaay we're on our way.
Tod: Oh thanks love you.
Me: I love you too.


Second time: 

Tod: Hey...wanna meet for lunch today?  I locked myself out of my car again so...
Me: Tod!  Ahhhh okay okay I'm coming.

Third time:

Tod: Hey!  Whatcha doing?
Me: Are you locked out again?  Tod seriously, what is wrong with you?  Three times in a month?  How is it possible that you always choose to do this when Larry is napping?  Should I wake him up AGAIN?

and on and on and on...

Fourth time:

Tod walks through the door at 10 pm and a mysterious truck pulls away from our house.

Me: Who's that?
Tod: Dunno.
Me: Why did you just get out of his truck?
Tod: He gave me a ride home...I was locked out again and didn't dare call you.
Me: Oh, cool.  Thanks.

Fifth time:

Tod gets home from work around 9:30 pm bright red and breathless.

Me: Why are you out of breath?
Tod: I just ran home....locked out again.

He just needed a little tough love.

Dear Tod,

 I love you even though you drew this on my arm as I slept Sunday afternoon.

I love you even though you quoted a Clay Aiken song at Tommy's wedding dinner.

And I love you for telling the truth.  Always the truth.  Like when we were talking about that one girl:

Me: What do you think when you see her?
You: That she has a stick up her a**.
Me: What do people think when they see me?
You: That you have a stick up your a** too.......only a smaller stick.

Romance by Tod

Last night:

Tod: "You have the prettiest feet."

Me: "Awww really?"

Tod: "Yes, I love them. I'd be so sad if they were amputated...you know...and you were, like, trying to walk around on these little nubs (insert hand action showing nub-walking), you know? That would really bum me out."

Thank you?

Never go to bed back to back

[Picture taken on a non-back to back night]

Last night Tod and I went to bed back to back. Which means we disagreed about whether or not dishes need to be done the night before (me) or the next morning (him). Which isn't a huge argument or a big deal until Tod says something like this:

Tod: "Well, be sure to check the mail tomorrow."

Me: "Why?"

Tod: "Because your medal is in there...you have won the grand prize for ALWAYS doing the dishes before bed."

Medal comment + Not doing dishes before bed = Going to bed back to back.

Just like in the movies when couples are mad and they don't snuggle and aren't close but sleep facing away from each other.

And then I think, why do I care about the dishes getting done at night? Oh wait it's because I don't want to spend the first hours of my day washing the freaking dishes.

But back to back sucks because I always, ALWAYS have nightmares and/or wake up with a headache. Because it's exhausting being mad ALL NIGHT LONG as I sleep/toss/turn. And I hate laying (lying?) there upset while Tod drops off to sleep .2 seconds later. He wakes up with a clear head washed of memories of any fight and I wake up ready to throw dishes at someone.

All those old ladies at your bridal shower were right -- never go to bed mad...back to back. They're only dishes.