Last night we went out with friends but Tod and I drove separately. On my way home alone, my thoughts turned to you. During the day when the sun is high and there are kids running in and out of my house, I can keep my thoughts pretty happy. But when the kids are in bed and the moon rises and especially when I'm alone, I start letting myself remember that you're gone. As I drove home I started talking to you out loud. As if you were sitting in the passenger seat. I told you how overwhelmed I feel this summer carrying this loss on top of my normal life. And how people ask if I'm feeling better....how does a person answer that? Yes? No? Yes because I'm learning to carry more weight and pain each day but no because I wish I didn't have to?
Then I asked you for a favor. I said these words out loud: "Kristi, please come see me in my dreams tonight. Tell me that you are ok. Show me that you are happy and prove that you still exist. Dad has done it for me when I've needed it and now I need it from you. Please come in my dreams tonight."
Then I got home, closed the garage door and went to bed.
The next morning I completely forgot about that conversation with you. I was rushing Ruby out the door to art camp when Larry said to me, "Hey Mom....I want to tell you about my dream." I told him I'd hear all about it when I got back.
Awhile later I was cleaning up breakfast and Larry was quietly sitting on the couch. I realized I had blown him off earlier so I asked about his dream. I sat down next to him so he felt like I cared. Even though hearing my kids' dreams every morning is about the worst thing on the planet.
Here is what he said:
"In my dream, our family was altogether and we were traveling through a portal. It was kind of like a tunnel that you had to go through to get to the afterlife. We were in the portal all together but then you guys left me. I was stuck in the portal all alone and I was so scared! But then the door opened and Kristi was standing there. She was smiling at me. She kneeled down and gave me a big hug, and then I woke up."
As he told me his dream, his lips were quivering and he had big tears rolling down his cheeks.
I asked what Kristi looked like. He said, "Exactly how she looked when she was alive."
I asked if Kristi looked happy. He smiled and said, "Yes. Really happy."
I stared into his face and felt grateful for his intuitive spirit. Grateful for being so available that Kristi was able to make her way through and say, I'm okay.
I told Tod the story and now we were all emotional. We talked about the day of the funeral...afterwards we had to drive home and Larry was quiet most of the way. When we stopped for dinner I sat next to him and asked how he was feeling and if he was okay. His answer:
"I was feeling really sad, especially when they opened the casket and I saw her body. It didn't look like her at all. So I started feeling scared and Uncle Tommy started talking....but then his voice faded out and I heard Kristi whisper in my ear: ' Don't worry Larry...I'm okay,' and then I wasn't scared anymore."
Again, with tears rolling down his face.
Larry is my sincere, kind, sensitive, and emotionally aware child. If I had to send a message from the other side, I'd probably send it to Larry as well.
Kristi, we miss you so much that it hurts. Thanks for the message though and thank you for staying close. I can do this as long as you stay close.