Saturday, September 25, 2010

Stealing was more fun in high school

The thing about almost getting arrested is that it used to be funny back in high school.  You know, when you're at a movie and someone dares you to steal a movie poster so you do it so all your buddies are laughing and you're the hero/funny one and then if you get caught and escorted out you can act stupid and immature about it because you're a just a teenager?

The problem with almost getting arrested for trying to steal a movie poster when you're 32 is 1.) no one is laughing and 2.) the guy escorting you out is probably your age plus 3.) you're 32 and trying to steal a movie poster.

I mostly blame our good friend who has horrible taste in movies.  To protect his anonymity, we'll just call him Q.  Q would not stop talking about this incredible movie that was sure to score this year's Oscar, it was brilliant, we had to see it.  So we saw Inception.  Boring.

We sent texts, emails and phone calls for days to let Q know we would never trust his recommendations as long as we lived.  And we would've left it at that until we saw the biggest Inception poster ever created at the movies Friday night.  Our movie was over, it was almost midnight, the place was empty. Plus that movie came out months ago, no one needs that poster anymore.  Right?

Me: You should steal that poster so we can mail it to Q.
Tod: I can steal that poster.
Me: Maybe take it down and run out that exit over there then I'll get the car and pick you u------
Tod: I'll take it down and walk right out of the lobby with it.

Tod used to steal things.  I did not.  His confidence convinced me so I went to the bathroom.  When I walked out the poster was gone.  My heart swelled with pride for my sneaky and daring husband.  I started to giggle imagining Q getting a tube in the mail and unraveling this obnoxious poster of Leonardo DiCaprio.  And then I heard voices in the men's room.  Women's voices and Tod voices.

So I power-walked away from the crime scene and casually stood in the lobby pretending to fake-text.  Just then a furious female employee huffed out of the men's room with the poster under her arm.  I smiled and said hi to her hoping she wasn't connecting me with my own husband.  She disappeared into the manager's office just as Tod emerged from his ineffective hiding spot in the lavatory.  I guess when someone witnesses a poster-stealing two female employees are allowed to surround a man at a urinal with said poster propped against the wall.  We started walking for the exit.  Fast.

We would've made it, too, if it hadn't been for that 30 something manager who appeared with his toadie in tow.

Manager: Stealing a poster, huh?
Tod: What are you talking about?
Me: (fake texting)
Manager: You were TRYING to STEAL this POSTER!
Tod: Ummmm, no I wasn't.
Me: (faketextfaketextfaketext)
Manager: Why are you stealing posters??!
Tod: I thought it was free.
Tod: Okay, no big deal.
Manager: No big deal huh? Stealing posters isn't a big deal? I should report you to the blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah........

He was still talking as we left.  Still lecturing us as we walked away acting cool and not embarrassed but feeling old and horrified.  Tod told me just as he took down the poster a lady walked by and apparently told an employee.  He ran into the bathroom to roll it up tightly when he was cornered by two female workers.

He admitted my plan would've worked.  And that stealing was more fun in high school.


Unknown said...

I think I've suddenly developed a man-crush on Tod.... AND the female lady that went into the mens room after him. She's balls-lessly ballsy.

diana said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! Can you come to Hawaii so we can go on a double date with you and Tod? I want to hang out with you guys. I've never met him but I want to give him a high-five. Or a fist bump. Whatever.

IronLawGirl said...

Oh my gosh, you guys are our couple soul mates!! We used to steal movie posters all the time. Off of Blockbusters, and they were huge!!! I love it!

Carol said...

Thanks to Tod, his sister had Keanu Reeves "Walking in the Clouds" ... but actually attached to the ceiling over her bed for years. Needless to say, TOD was her favorite brother!

Now you know where Lennon gets that mischievous side...was there ever any doubt??

Ryan Smart said...

There is not much that makes me more uncomfortable than breaking the law. I always wanted to be that guy-I talked that guy into doing stuff, but I could never do it. THis is hilarious. Thanks for being the most random couple ever. amazing

Wilder Family said...

I bet Q enjoys this story more than the actual poster anyway. Hilarious.

MediocreMama said...

P.S. I feel I should clarify that Inception was not the reason we felt Q had bad taste...a lot of people loved the movie. His bad taste dates back to the 90s when we first met and his recommendations began.

Anonymous said...

This is really funny. I would have been DYING in the corner. Laughing but DYING. My friends never stole movie posters.... that must be a Toelle thing..... :) But when I did go to the movies with my friends in high school I sat by my self in the middle while they all sat in the front row and made obnoxious noises the entire movie. I couldn't stand that crap. Ha ha. I loved high school.

Jessica =)) said...

This is my first time ever hearing of stealing movie posters. Interesting. Glad you didn't get into too much trouble!

Meegan said...
not as much adrenaline involved... just in case you need it in the future. :)

kristi said...

"I thought it was free..." hahahahahahahahahaha

Jon and Ali said...

Nothing is free at a movie theater...nothing. Not even water.

Leah Miller said...

You should go back and try again. Seriously. THAT would be hilarious.

Pharcyde said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tod said...

stealing is bad. i am very ashamed of what i am capable of. hopefully my bad example has already helped others that are struggling with the same thing. it's just not worth it no matter how big or exciting you think that poster is going to be. i don't give a crap how many stars, or thumbs up it is getting. i promise not to steal anything from your house if you wanted to invite me over sometime or even to check on things while you are out of town.

The Bell Family said...

I'm slightly offended by this post since it was ME that recommended you guys see Inception. What are you saying about MY taste in movies...huh Holly?

87% of critics on rotten tomatoes agree with me.

Don't worry, my feelings won't be hurt forever but may I remind you that I told you guys you would love Dexter (which is so much better than Breaking Bad by the way)....and I was right. So I guess our taste doesn't totally suck.

I would have loved getting that poster in the mail by the way.

MediocreMama said...

Melissa, you and Q have the best taste of anyone we know. We just enjoy taking any and every opportunity to make fun of your husband. Apparently we've been taken very seriously. It was just a funny story. Was.

Rotten Tomatoes may agree with you but you just can't argue preference. I prefer movies that are nothing like Inception.

Jek said...

I like the first guy have a real crush on TOD!!! Is he the funniest guy or what???? That was probably one of the best blog posts ever!!! That should be your facebook update. PLEASE????

Berkley said...

Just reading this story made me nervous.