The problem with almost getting arrested for trying to steal a movie poster when you're 32 is 1.) no one is laughing and 2.) the guy escorting you out is probably your age plus 3.) you're 32 and trying to steal a movie poster.
I mostly blame our good friend who has horrible taste in movies. To protect his anonymity, we'll just call him Q. Q would not stop talking about this incredible movie that was sure to score this year's Oscar, it was brilliant, we had to see it. So we saw Inception. Boring.
We sent texts, emails and phone calls for days to let Q know we would never trust his recommendations as long as we lived. And we would've left it at that until we saw the biggest Inception poster ever created at the movies Friday night. Our movie was over, it was almost midnight, the place was empty. Plus that movie came out months ago, no one needs that poster anymore. Right?
Me: You should steal that poster so we can mail it to Q.
Tod: I can steal that poster.
Me: Maybe take it down and run out that exit over there then I'll get the car and pick you u------
Tod: I'll take it down and walk right out of the lobby with it.
Tod used to steal things. I did not. His confidence convinced me so I went to the bathroom. When I walked out the poster was gone. My heart swelled with pride for my sneaky and daring husband. I started to giggle imagining Q getting a tube in the mail and unraveling this obnoxious poster of Leonardo DiCaprio. And then I heard voices in the men's room. Women's voices and Tod voices.
So I power-walked away from the crime scene and casually stood in the lobby pretending to fake-text. Just then a furious female employee huffed out of the men's room with the poster under her arm. I smiled and said hi to her hoping she wasn't connecting me with my own husband. She disappeared into the manager's office just as Tod emerged from his ineffective hiding spot in the lavatory. I guess when someone witnesses a poster-stealing two female employees are allowed to surround a man at a urinal with said poster propped against the wall. We started walking for the exit. Fast.
We would've made it, too, if it hadn't been for that 30 something manager who appeared with his toadie in tow.
Manager: Stealing a poster, huh?
Tod: What are you talking about?
Me: (fake texting)
Manager: You were TRYING to STEAL this POSTER!
Tod: Ummmm, no I wasn't.
Me: (faketextfaketextfaketext)
Manager: Why are you stealing posters??!
Tod: I thought it was free.
Manager: Free?! FREE?!!! HaHAHAHAHA THESE POSTERS ARE! NOT! FRRRRREEEEEE!
Tod: Okay, no big deal.
Manager: No big deal huh? Stealing posters isn't a big deal? I should report you to the blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah........
He was still talking as we left. Still lecturing us as we walked away acting cool and not embarrassed but feeling old and horrified. Tod told me just as he took down the poster a lady walked by and apparently told an employee. He ran into the bathroom to roll it up tightly when he was cornered by two female workers.
He admitted my plan would've worked. And that stealing was more fun in high school.
